The.....fear.

Dear Baby,
It is two more weeks until we get to see you again. We are coming into the 12th week which is a week I fear. It was this week last time that we were told that we would not get to see and hold our baby in September.
That was the worst day of my life.
I was not prepared to hear that, but how could a person ever be ready? How can you prepare to hear that the baby you have been hoping and praying for stopped growing? That its little heart stopped beating. There was nothing we could do, and we tried everything we knew how to do. I sobbed and sobbed in that room while daddy just held me.
When the tears stopped, the doctor told us we should think about having a procedure to remove it. I left the appointment in a daze. I walked to the car, not feeling where I was stepping. What happened? Why did it happen? How can I dream of a child's giggle, their little toes and sun-kissed cheeks one second, and the next second it's all gone?
That was so hard.
But I learned so much. This is real sorrow. I had been the clueless one before. I didn't understand people in this situation. But now I do. And Heavenly Father, in his wisdom knew that I would need that sorrow and understanding in the future. I trust him and his plan for me.
We haven't been sharing the news that you're coming just yet. But we want to! We want everyone to be excited and in as much anticipation as we are. But no one will feel the pain like we do. They don't go to bed at night hoping that this time will be the time. And that soon we will get to start the family we've been dreaming of. And the daily reminders, possibly for the rest of our lives, that there should be another plate at the dinner table and another smile in the family portrait. So we will wait for a few more weeks.
I hope that when we have our next appointment that you have grown and that you are progressing like you should. I hope that I am doing everything that I am supposed to do for you. I hope that in October I can hold you.
Daddy said the cutest thing yesterday. I told him that since we won't be in our own place and since it would help with our budget that I won't plan on decorating a nursery. He said, "What?? Of course you will! This is our baby! We're going all out! We can be cheap on you and me but not on the baby!" He is so excited to be your daddy! He's going to be a such a great daddy!
I love you baby!
Love,
Mommy

Oh, the smells!!

Sweet Baby!

Daddy decided to make some chicken that we bought at Costco a couple weeks ago. We bought it after trying it on a sample day and it was one of those chickens that is marinated in sauce. It seemed like a great idea at the time.... but that was before nausea was in full effect! I COULD NOT take a sniff or I would start dry heaving! I'm sure it wasn't a bad smell, and when he finished making tacos they didn't look bad, but the smell! Oh, the smell!! So yes, I am still in that phase. Nothing sounds good, smells good, or tastes good. But it doesn't matter, we got to see you again today!!! You are so much bigger than two weeks ago! I just can't believe how much you've grown! We are so happy that you are doing so well still! I'm trying not to get too excited because you never know what could happen, but I do allow myself some peeks into the baby section when I go to the store. We saw your head and your spine and your arms and legs! That little spine! I've never been so happy to see a spine in my whole life! I will see if I can scan the last two pictures that the doctor gave us. I am over the moon excited! I love you!

Love,

Mommy

There you are!!

I had to tie this shirt around my nose so I didn't have to hold it there all night! =)

The Heartbeat

Dearest Baby,

I heard your heartbeat yesterday and it was the most beautiful sound! You are so small still but I could see you moving around and I could see your heart fluttering. It was my second appointment and second ultra sound. The first one was too early to see anything, but yesterday we saw you and got to bring a picture home. I’m so happy that things are still going well. I pray every day that you will be healthy and that we will get to hold you someday soon. I love you so much!

Love,

Mommy

Hello, Baby!!

What I am craving:

Fruit! I can’t get enough of berries. Yesterday all I could stomach eating were blueberries. I was really nauseous and couldn’t imagine eating anything except for blueberries. I got some strawberries so I could eat those today.

I am very nauseous and never have an appetite for anything!!! If it comes in liquid form I am usually ok, but other than that I have to force it down. I am happy to feel this way if it means I get to hold my baby in 7 more months!

I found relief!!

While laying on the couch for the second day in a row, I began to get annoyed that I felt so nauseous. I started searching for remedies online and all I found were a bunch of sob stories about how nauseous everyone was. I definitely feel their pain, but I’m all about fixing the problem, not bathing in it! So I had an idea…the truth is I have a secret desire to be a yoga guru, which led me to investigate “yoga during pregnancy” on youtube. I found some great videos and after watching a couple, I rounded up the desire to get off the couch and try one. It felt WONDERFUL! The first relief I have had since laying in the shower earlier today. I decided to do a couple more poses and they also felt great. The only down side is that I’m weak and I have to stop sometime… at which point the nausea returns. Oh well, at least I know what I can do to get a break from that feeling! I may be on the road to yoga guru after all. Thanks, Baby!

The Beginning

February 17, 2010

Dear Precious Baby,

I am at home waiting for 12:45 to come around so I can go to my first doctor’s appointment. Daddy and I found out you were coming on Friday, February 12, 2010. We are so excited! I cried when the test said that I was pregnant! I took a picture of it, put it in a frame and wrapped it. I was going to pick up daddy at the airport at 7:30 that night and wanted him to be surprised. Once I picked him up and we started driving I looked for a place we could pull over so I could give him the present. I hoped he didn't notice me shaking as I pulled into a Double Tree parking lot. He was confused but went along with it. I gave him the package and when he opened it he just stared. He got a huge smile on his face and then he looked at me and we held each other while I cried again. He was speechless and so happy. I feel so blessed to have you coming into our lives. We have been waiting and praying for you to come. Right now I feel nervous and very hopeful! I want everything to be ok. This time last year we were going through a very sad time with the loss of another baby. It was the greatest sorrow that I have ever experienced. And in December, we had a doctor tell us that the chances of me becoming pregnant were almost zero. But we didn't give up hope and now you are coming in October! You are our little miracle baby! We have so many dreams for you and for who you will become. We can’t wait to hold you and take care of you! I love you so much already!

Love,

Mommy

The rest of the story: I was sitting at BJ's eating lunch with Jaclyn when we started talking about how we were feeling and why I hadn't started and yada, yada, yada- girl stuff. I got out my calendar and realized that I was definitely over a week late. Not that I had stopped thinking about it, but I had actually stopped counting and paying attention to the date. She said we had to go right away and take a test. Sure enough- pregnant! Who knows how much longer I would have gone without thinking about it... thank goodness for girlfriends and lunch chats!