The.....fear.

Dear Baby,
It is two more weeks until we get to see you again. We are coming into the 12th week which is a week I fear. It was this week last time that we were told that we would not get to see and hold our baby in September.
That was the worst day of my life.
I was not prepared to hear that, but how could a person ever be ready? How can you prepare to hear that the baby you have been hoping and praying for stopped growing? That its little heart stopped beating. There was nothing we could do, and we tried everything we knew how to do. I sobbed and sobbed in that room while daddy just held me.
When the tears stopped, the doctor told us we should think about having a procedure to remove it. I left the appointment in a daze. I walked to the car, not feeling where I was stepping. What happened? Why did it happen? How can I dream of a child's giggle, their little toes and sun-kissed cheeks one second, and the next second it's all gone?
That was so hard.
But I learned so much. This is real sorrow. I had been the clueless one before. I didn't understand people in this situation. But now I do. And Heavenly Father, in his wisdom knew that I would need that sorrow and understanding in the future. I trust him and his plan for me.
We haven't been sharing the news that you're coming just yet. But we want to! We want everyone to be excited and in as much anticipation as we are. But no one will feel the pain like we do. They don't go to bed at night hoping that this time will be the time. And that soon we will get to start the family we've been dreaming of. And the daily reminders, possibly for the rest of our lives, that there should be another plate at the dinner table and another smile in the family portrait. So we will wait for a few more weeks.
I hope that when we have our next appointment that you have grown and that you are progressing like you should. I hope that I am doing everything that I am supposed to do for you. I hope that in October I can hold you.
Daddy said the cutest thing yesterday. I told him that since we won't be in our own place and since it would help with our budget that I won't plan on decorating a nursery. He said, "What?? Of course you will! This is our baby! We're going all out! We can be cheap on you and me but not on the baby!" He is so excited to be your daddy! He's going to be a such a great daddy!
I love you baby!
Love,
Mommy